What You Think of Me
by MajorArcana2
Summary: When Clary discovers what her fellow Shadowhunters truly think of her, she is deeply hurt. In a fit of rage, Clary makes a decision to share her talent with the Clave. Before her meeting, someone unexpected takes her in and trains her, helping to prove the others wrong. But what happens when they come looking for her, Jace leading the charge?
1. Secret Confessions

Clary hurried up the broken steps of the New York Institute, rushing through the pouring, freezing rain. She had decided to come here today in hopes of talking to Jace and the others about a new rune that had come to her today, for she believed it could aid them in their search for Valentine. She placed her hand on the door, muttering the words that granted her entrance to the abandoned, converted church.

Inside, the Institute was cold. It was strange, usually the Institute always seemed to hold a temperature perfectly fitting to the air outside which, today, was warmer than the Institute.

Clary shuddered with cold and confusion as she made her way to the elevator. Pressing the call button, she stepped back and summoned the image of the rune to the front of her mind. Curling with twists and variations in definition, the rune sent a message Clary had not yet been able to decipher, but it'd given her a strong feeling that made her think of her father.

She stepped into the elevator as it arrived, and waited patiently as it heaved itself up each level. When it opened, she was greeted by Church, the Institute's cat, winding in between her feet. "Take me to-" she started, but cut off abruptly when she heard voices emanating from a room a few feet away from her.

"…don't know what to tell her," _Alec,_ Clary thought. "Yeah, I mean, she's a disaster waiting to happen, a risk to all of us. If we just let Clary run loose through the streets trying desperately to kill a demon or be something she's obviously not, she'll only make things worse." Isabelle's words pierced Clary like an ice pick, and she had to suppress a gasp to hear the rest of the words.

She heard at least three people in the room chuckle at what Izzy had said, which sent another wave of pain through Clary. "I mean," Clary instantly recognized Jace's voice, "Sure, I like her and all. But she is truly _hopeless._ She has absolutely _no_ Shadowhunting talent in any inch of her body. This rune power of hers? I just don't believe it." Any hope Clary had had of Jace defending her, telling them she had potential, vanished into thin air.

"So what do you suggest we do about it?" _Simon? It?!_ There was silence in the room as they all awaited an answer from one another. Clary took this as her cue to announce her presence. Swallowing all her fears and humiliation, she walked into the room, unwilling to look anyone in the eye, despite their shocking stares.

She pulled the rune she had drawn on a ripped out piece of notebook paper. She slammed it down on the table, staring at the lines and designs instead of the penetrating eyes around her. Everyone was too shocked to say anything, so Clary spoke instead, gathering every ounce of courage in her body. "It's giving me a feel like it can help find Valentine," she said, her voice shaking with threatening tears, "Believe me or don't believe me, that's up to you. Sorry I've been such a pain for you guys." And with that, she turned around and walked straight out the door, leaving this place behind her forever.


	2. Permission to Enter

Clary managed to keep herself together until stumbling out the front door of the Institute. She ran around the side of the building, throwing herself against the walls, sobbing hysterically. Knowing she wouldn't be able to see any of them any time soon without falling apart in front of them, which she was _not_ going to do, Clary pulled out her stele and held the tip over her arm, beginning to draw the anti-tracking rune, but couldn't bring herself to do it.

Frustrated, Clary shoved the stele back into her pocket. What kind of person was she really? Her mother was missing, taken by a psychopath. All the people who she loved and who she thought loved her, hated her in reality, couldn't stand her. What did everyone else think of her? Did Luke hate her? Did Magnus?

Clary was hyperventilating, her body having trouble processing the damage her heart was going through. Suddenly, she heard shouting. Her name? "Clary!" that was Simon. " _Clary!_ We need to talk, you don't understand!" Jace's voice sent a knife wrenching through her heart. And just like that, Clary didn't feel like hiding anymore.

"But, I do, Jace. I _do,"_ he turned to face her, shocked. Alec, Isabelle, and Simon came up behind him. Jace took a few strides and was before Clary in seconds. He reached up to grab her wrist, but she twisted violently away from him. Obvious hurt flashed over his face, and his outstretched hand hovered still in the air.

Clary surprised when her voice came out calm and quiet, not that it would stay that way. "You're right. I'm not a Shadowhunter. I don't have skill, I don't have talent, wits, or power. But I do have determination, and I am _determined_ to change myself because my MOTHER is out there ALONE. I don't care what YOU think, Jace Lightwood, but I happen to care more about rescuing someone I love than losing them because I was TOO BUSY trying to do it PERFECTLY." She took a deep breath, calming herself. "Just forget about me, that you ever knew me. Forget my mother and who she is and what her abduction signifies because by worrying more about if I'm just drawing a bunch of squiggly lines instead of actually doing something, you've already given up. Congratulations."

She whirled away from him, once again taking her stele from her pocket. She quickly drew a portal rune (which, by the way, no normal Shadowhunter should be allowed to do) on the wall of the Institute. She didn't look back before stepping into the portal, a very specific place on her mind.

Clary found herself at the very edge of a European country she had seen from a map that included Idris. She sat down on the grassy hills, letting her mind relax. Slowly, she began to see a shimmering glass dome, the barrier around Idris.

She pulled out a piece of notebook paper and a pen, scribbling a quick message to the people in Alicante.

My name is Clarissa Fray. You will not recognize my name, as it is not a Shadowhunter name. I have a very important talent that I believe will be of great interest to you, and I therefore ask for permission to enter the city of Alicante.

She drew the correct rune at the bottom of the page, and within a few seconds, the paper burst into flames, and the message was sent. She wondered how the people of Alicante, the one's receiving her request, would process the information. It didn't take her long to wonder, for a few moments later, another message was sent, and it fell straight into Clary's hands. The words were simple.

Permission is granted, Miss Fray, the Council looks forward to hearing of your so-called "talent". You will be summoned three weeks from now at high noon, to discuss the issue. Please take this time to get yourself settled in Alicante, as this will always be home to any Nephilim.

Clary smiled, and drew another portal directly in front of her, and stepped inside.


	3. Train to Prove

She was hit with a breath of fresh air as she entered the Glass City of Alicante. Clary didn't know what she had been expecting, perhaps a group of fighters, weapons drawn. Maybe a nicely dressed man to escort her to a place to stay.

Instead there was no one. No firing squad, no tour guide. Nothing but a dark-haired boy, about Jace's age, squatting in front of her with concerned eyes. "Are you okay?" he asked. Clary looked at herself, and realized her light jeans and yellow sweatshirt contrasted starkly to the people rushing around her, all dressed in gear or nicer clothes. She also realized she had come through the portal and landed directly on her butt. "Yes, I'm fine. Sorry," Clary said, standing and brushing the dirt off her clothes.

She knew enough about Alicante to know that no electricity was used here, so she wasn't surprised that the roads were dirt instead of pavement. She started to walk about from the boy, but he just walked with her, easily matching her stride. "I'm Sebastian Verlac. You must be Clarissa Fairchild," he said.

Clary stopped suddenly and stared at him. "I go by Clary Fray," she said, shaking her head, "How do you know my name?" Sebastian started walking again, and Clary followed, though she had no idea where she was going. "I'm a cousin of the Penhallows. And the Penhallows are very good friends with the Lightwoods, and Jace Herondale. They talk," he answered promptly.

Clary sighed distraughtly at the mention of the people who she had just found out practically hated her. Sebastian took notice of her mood change from curiosity and defensiveness to pain. "What's wrong?" he asked. Clary suddenly saw no point in lying to him, he seemed nice enough. "I just overheard Jace, the Lightwoods, and my best friend since childhood, who was recently bitten and Turned by a vampire, discussing how worthless I was and how much they hated me. And I ran from them and came here," she simply blurted it out.

He seemed hesitant for a moment, "Well, okay, but you also came to show the Council your "special talent", right?" Sebastian asked, making air quotes on the words "special talent". Clary looked at him, confused once again, and he gestured to the note from the Council she was still clutching tightly in her hand. "Well, nobody believes me about it anyway, and everyone thinks I'm a ticking time-bomb and that by trying to help or fight I only make things worse," she said, looking down sadly and shoving the note into the paper of her jeans.

Sebastian seemed to consider her words, then he stopped, and so did Clary, and looked at her analytically. "How about a deal?" he took her silence as an invitation to continue, so he spoke, "You tell me what your little talent is, prove to me that you have it, and I'll train you to fight so you can kick all the Lightwoods' butts." Clary smiled at his humor, then pondered his invitation.

On one hand, telling a stranger about her rune ability could be dangerous, if falling in the wrong hands, she would become a target and a threat to everyone.

But on the other, Sebastian came off as trustworthy, and at the moment, Clary was desperate to prove Jace, Simon, Isabelle, and Alec very wrong. So she agreed.

"Okay, but not here," she said. "Where? Do you have anywhere to stay?" Sebastian asked. Clary shook her head at him. He thought, then started walking again. Clary followed. "Okay, you'll stay with me. Right now, my parents are on assignment in Brazil, and won't be home for another eight weeks. The only other person in the house is my cousin Aline. She's kind of intrusive and offensive, but she means no harm. The house is just a minute away," he said finally.

Clary didn't say anything as they went, she didn't feel as though there were anything to say. When they stepped inside the house, Clary was astonished. The inside was just as beautiful inside as the outside had been. The wood of the stairs, doors, floor, and furniture was smooth, and a beautiful reddish color.

The house was open and bright from the countless windows pouring sunlight, but Clary could see witchlight lamps everywhere. The rooms were spacious, and Clary walked through slowly, observing everything. She looked at all the pictures of the family on the tables, some pictures with Sebastian scattered around. Clary stopped at a photo of the Lightwoods.

She looked at tiny Isabelle and young Alec, and neither looked different at all. Isabelle had a look on her face that said, _If you touch me, I'll hurt you and look good doing it._ Alec had the same stony look on his face, and Clary still wanted to stay far away.

Then her eyes floated immediately to Jace. A lance of pain went through her as she remembered the words he had said, forcing her to move on, refusing to remember his laughing eyes and superior stance. _So Jace,_ Clary thought.

She looked at Aline, and studied her carefully in the picture. She looked nerdy, with glasses like Simon's and a light in her eyes. She had slender fingers, artist's fingers. "She's changed quite a bit," Clary jumped at Sebastian's voice behind her, noticing her looking at Aline's photo. "You'll be surprised when you meet her," he said.

"Meet who?" a sing-song voice came from the staircase. Clary whipped around, frozen in place, "You, Aline," Sebastian said, Clary relaxed realizing who it was, "This is Clary Fray, she'll be staying with us for a bit." Aline laughed, and came down the rest of the stairs.

Sebastian was right. Aline _had_ changed, Clary _was_ surprised. Aline was gorgeous, almost more so than Izzy. "Another one of your girlfriends, Sebastian?" Clary snorted, but Sebastian's cheeks reddened.

Sebastian looked over at Clary laughing, while trying to mutter his _no_ to Aline. He looked at her astonished. "Don't worry," Clary said. "I'm used to it. I lived in the Institute, the one _Jace Herondale_ lived in, for at least two months," Clary finally stopped laughing.

She stepped forward and shook hands with Aline. "Not at all," Sebastian assured Aline, "She's just running from the Lightwoods." At this, Clary turned and glared at Sebastian, and he looked back at her laughingly. Aline had a giggling look on her face, but said nothing.

"I'm staying in Mom and Dad's room," Aline announced, practically floating back up the stairs, "She can use mine." Sebastian showed Clary to the room, and also told her to be free to use any of Aline's clothes, obviously noting her current outfit.

He left her to her devices, and she immediately changed, fitting surprisingly well into Aline's clothes. Then she found Sebastian, in his room, messy compared to Jace's pristinely neat quarters. "So," he said, "Tell me about this talent of yours." She took a deep breath and launched in her story, telling him of her mother's secrets and her abduction, and of her rune ability. When she was finished, he held out his arm and said, "Show me."

Clary pulled out her stele, thinking of what to use. At the time, Clary couldn't think of a particularly new rune, so she simply traced the lines from her mind of the Fearless rune. When she finished, she asked, "What are you most afraid of?"

He shrugged. "The Easter Bunny, he creeps me out. Breaking into kids' homes and hiding things around their houses? Stalked psychopath," he spat out the last two words, making Clary laugh and shake her head.

She knew exactly how to test the rune; she had seen an Easter Bunny costume in Aline's room. It had confused her at first, but Aline seemed like the kind of person to put it on just to scare Sebastian whenever she felt like it.

She slipped it on quickly, only to find Sebastian was no longer waiting in his room. She stepped out and padded quietly down the stairs. Finally, she spotted him, preparing some food at the table downstairs.

She snuck up behind him, deciding it had become an even better situation. She stood silently and patiently behind him. He turned around, and Clary prepared herself to have food thrown in her face, even though she knew the rune would work.

He turned to face her, and just stared, not reacting at all. "Incredible," he muttered. "I don't feel anything except hungry." Clary smiled and backed away, starting to pull the suit off, revealing her regular clothes underneath.

"See?" she said, "Also, the regular runes I make are at least ten times more powerful than regular ones. I used an open rune and nearly blew up the door." He laughed at her as she stashed the costume back in Aline's room, who had not been seen since the stairway incident.

"Okay," Sebastian said, "Change your clothes because it's time to train."


	4. Confrontation

Clary's breath came out in short gasps as she blocked a kick from Aline. "Good, Clary," Sebastian's voice echoed in the dining room of the Penhallows' home, the chairs and furniture pushed off to the side.

She blocked another two blows before sweeping her leg back behind Aline's knees, knocking her to the ground. Aline hit the ground with a yelp and a thud, looking up panting at Clary, a look of defeat plastered on her face.

Clary dropped her fighting stance and helped Aline to her feet. It had been a week since Sebastian had started training her, and ever since, Clary had won all her fights. His training had done all sorts of wonders; as it turns out, Clary was far from hopeless.

A hand clapped down on her shoulder, "Congratulations on another one, Clary," it was Sebastian. She had only fought him a few times, and then it was a little harder. "Yeah, now you'll be able to beat Jace when he comes," Aline said.

Clary stood gaping at Aline. "When he _what?"_ she asked. Aline laughed, using a towel to dry the sweat from her forehead, whereas Clary hadn't been sweating at all. "Oh, please," She said, "You have to have known one of us would tell him you were here at some point. You can't hide forever." Sebastian nodded in agreement. "Besides," he started, "You get to prove him wrong," he paused. "It was just too dangerous," he finally said, "I couldn't let you go off and talk to the Consul. It's just a bad idea."

"So you mean you told him, not Aline?" she asked. He nodded. "But I told you what he said-" she said, but Sebastian cut her off, "And he actually is hating himself because of it. You should at least give him a chance to apologize."

Clary was appalled. " _Give_ him a _chance_ -?!" she stopped abruptly, "Never mind. When are they coming?" Aline shrugged, "No clue," she said and began ascending the stairs. Clary rushed to join her. "That's great. At least I'll change and prepare myself mentally," she said. Aline placed a hand on her shoulder; the two of them had grown close in the days Clary had been staying with them. "You'll be fine," she said comfortingly, "I'm sure he's just—" Their conversation was cut short by an extreme amount of shouting coming from the room below.

"I don't care what you think! _Clary!_ Is she okay? Is she hurt?" Jace's familiar voice was concerned, angry. Clary was confused, since when she'd left, he had believed she was nothing but terrible. _Maybe he just wants to know I'm okay so he can be the one to kill me,_ Clary thought, then mentally scolded herself for thinking such a thought.

"I think they're here."

Clary took the stairs three at a time as she ran back to the room, only to find Jace holding Sebastian against the wall, Jace's hands gripping his shirt color. Sebastian looked annoyed, but also a hint of fear showed on his face.

"Whoa, whoa, Jace, stop! Back off, _back off!"_ Clary shouted, and her voice joined in with the chorus of voices shouting at Jace. She took in that all three newcomers were dressed in gear, and she wondered if Jace or Alec had thought they'd be ambushed.

Jace's head whipped to the left and he took Clary in. His hands seemed to absently let go of Sebastian, who looked at Jace with annoyance. Jace charged toward Clary as if with the intention to help her, but Clary stepped back, away from him.

His eyes flashed with hurt, then he dropped his hands to his sides, exasperated. "Clary, you look…tired," Clary looked at Isabelle, and threw her hands up in the air in surrender. "Well, I wasn't exactly expecting you, so, if you'd rather I be in an evening gown then a heads-up would've been helpful!" Clary snapped.

Isabelle dropped her hands, and Clary's eyes flicked to Alec, who was looking at her with a confused expression. Clary narrowed her eyes at him and was about to stick out her tongue at him, but Jace's words cut her off.

"Are you okay? Are you hurt?" he asked. Clary shook her head, already frustrated with him. "No, of course not. I just…ugh…" she dropped her head into her hands trying to think, "Are _you_ okay, Jace, because you seem a bit mental," she finished.

He looked at her guiltily, "Clary, I— _we_ came to apologize. The things we said were completely wrong and unprecedented. We never meant to hurt you at all. I am so, so sorry. Please come back with us?" Clary considered his words.

"No," the word escaped Clary's lips before she could stop it. At the look on Jace's face, she almost wished she had. But there was no going back now. "I'm not going to stand back and watch while you all kill demons because you think I'm not good enough. And in case you haven't noticed, my mother is _still_ missing in the company of a psychopath that you seem to like pretending isn't even happening. I can't waist my time like that."

Jace seemed shocked. "And what are you going to do instead? Stay here?"

"Jace I don't know if yelling at her is the greatest idea," Sebastian tried to suggest discreetly, but Clary was close enough to here. Either way, neither Clary nor Jace paid any attention or heed to his words.

"At least here I'm accepted! People think I'm telling the truth!" Clary contradicted.

"But you can't stay here forever," Sebastian added quietly, as if he thought Clary would-and very well could-pommel him for speaking up. And well enough, Clary turned and shot Sebastian the iciest glare she could muster, adding her anger with him to the anger she still had for Jace, though she _directed_ all of it at Sebastian, for the moment.

"We do believe you," Jace once again ignored Sebastian and Clary's little exchange, but he had managed to calm his voice slightly. "Sebastian told us about the Fearless rune."

Clary snorted. He needed Sebastian to know this? How rude!

Then another thought occurred to her. "How long have you been in contact with him?" Clary said, still speaking to Sebastian. She heard Alec cough an irritated 'them' but she expertly ignored it.

All of Jace's previous reproach and clam had vanished. "This just proves my original point, Clary! You didn't even put on an anti-tracking rune! We knew where you where the second you stepped through that portal! No Shadowhunter would do that!"

Clary stayed silent. His words stung immensely. Could she do it? Could she tell him? Could she let him know that she'd wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt? Let him see that she'd wanted him to come after her?

By now, everyone had taken notice of her silence, and they knew that Jace had gone too far. Clary had had enough. She stepped up very close to Jace and his breathing hitched when her fingers brushed his. She caught his eyes flicking to her lips and Clary smirked.

"Well, then, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get my stuff, walk straight out of here, _alone,_ and I'm going to find someone who disagrees." With that, Clary turned and cascaded up the stairs. (After her last-failed-attempt at running away, she'd learned that she could still make a successful storm-off with her things if she looked confident enough.) She gathered her things, pushed past Jace and the others, making sure to thank Sebastian and Aline, and walked away.


	5. Release

**Jace P.O.V.**

She was gone.

She was gone and he had done it.

She was gone and he had done it _again._

Jace ran his fingers through his hair and grimaced. He missed the feel of Clary's hair in between his fingers. His eyes flashed red, the color of Clary's, the color of his increasing pain and urgency. He was digging himself a hole.

Jace had a decision. He could continue on his vicious warpath. Perhaps hurt Clary even more, perhaps push away the people he loved, perhaps farther than they can be pushed. Maybe he'd even hurt himself. That had never mattered to Jace, but there was always an if. There would _always_ be if...

Or he could break the rules. Reinvent himself. Apologize, for a start.

Or he could stay in his hole...

Jace grabbed a shovel.

 **Clary P.O.V.**

She'd made it about as far as the bushes by Sebastian's house-the ones she'd once considered puking in-when her arm was pulled violently backwards. Clary sucked in a yelp as she turned to face a rather furious Jace. His eyes burned with a hatred, but Clary knew him well enough to tell it was a mask for something else. Such a shame that Jace would never be able to let anyone in enough to let them see what was under it.

"You're running," Jace growled through his gritted teeth. "You're running because you're too scared to face the truth."

"And what is the truth, Jace? Tell me," Clary whisper-shouted. She attempted to pull her wrist from his grasp, but only ended up wincing when he didn't budge. That was a stupid assumption.

"You're pathetic. You're weak, you don't have any skill, you make things up, and to top it all off, you're so _plain."_ Clary hated how easily his words got to her, how much they pained her. She hated it even more that it was so plain for Jace to see. He didn't get that part of her, he wasn't allowed there.

"And-" Jace cut himself off, pressing his lips close together. Clary's stomach dropped. If Jace was holding back, then he was about to say something that would be harsh, even for him. It was something that would cross the line.

Clary tried to brace herself. "What? What, Jace?" she demanded, trying again and failing to regain her own limb.

"And you're in love with me." Clary sucked in a colossal breath.

" _Excuse me?_ "

"You're in love with me, and I don't love you back," his voice was so much quieter now. It was so much worse than him yelling at her. _So much worse..._

"What in the heck gives you the right?" Clary screeched. She vaguely saw that Alec, Izzy, Aline, and Sebastian had filed out the door. Alec and Izzy shared concerned glances, and Sebastian watched with immense pain in his eyes. But it wasn't pain for Clary, it was all for Jace. _Jace_ had done something terrible. _Jace_ had made a fool of himself. _Jace_ was the one who should be pitied. Always.

"Get off me," Clary breathed quietly. When Jace didn't release her, she added. "Let go of me!" Jace's grip opened a fraction and Clary took the opportunity to draw her arm away. She immediately stepped up to the wall of Sebastian's house and scrawled a Portal rune, stepping inside, and leaving not a trace behind.


	6. I See London

Clary took a deep breath of the fresh air and let her shoulders drop. The world around her was calm with a certain frantic energy. The world around her was stirring and glowing with the light of day.

Clary's eyes snapped open and she immediately cocked back her head to stare at the bottom of the Eiffel Tower. She suppressed a gasp. France had, in fact, been her intended destination, yet she found herself feeling as though an unknown force-or not so unknown-would have halted Clary in her descent. It didn't.

Risking being seen, Clary quickly shut the Portal and drew on a Glamour rune. Then, in a flash of hasty impulsivity, Clary added an Anti-Tracking rune.

Goodbye, old life.

Clary realized she had been silly in her act of concealing herself from the people, as there was no people near her. The square was completely deserted. As she emerged from under the cover of the tower, Clary discovered why.

It was nighttime. A tiny shock pulsed through her veins. It had begun growing dark in Alicante but, perhaps since the worlds were so different, Clary couldn't imagine the two places sharing a time zone. But here she was, in the middle of Paris, at nighttime.

She tilted her head back to gaze at the sky. Cliché as it was, the blazing stars filled her with peace. Her stargazing session was sharply interrupted by the penetration of another object in her line of vision. Clary saw a winding church spire, it's tip nearly exploding into the nearby stars.

She had really thought finding the Institute here would be so much harder.

It was. From Clary's vantage point near the Eiffel Tower, the spire appeared so large that it couldn't be more than a mile away. Clary's perception was crushed when it seemed to get farther away the more she walked. After trudging through miles of hidden alleyways and emptied out squares, Clary finally huffed up the stairs of the abandoned church.

She spoke the words. Tenderly Clary pushed open the door to escape the cold, wet night. It was a mistake. As soon as she did so a large bell resounded through the building.

Clary tensed, expecting an ambush. _Was this an attack? Had she stumbled upon something unwilling? Was she about to be captured, arrested, killed?_ Her heart nearly beat out of her chest as she waited to see who would greet her, but no one came. Clary looked at her watch and sighed.

It was only midnight.

Through her terrified haze, Clary honestly hadn't noticed the six more chimes that had sounded as she stood, but now she stood patiently and waited for the other five bells to sound. Then she waited for the violent ringing in her ears to subside.

Though there was little threat of attack now, Clary was still confused as to why no one was coming. Wouldn't someone wake up? Could _anyone_ sleep through that kind of ruckus?

But these people were Shadowhunters. There was most definitely some kind of rune to block that out. Honestly, Clary should be one to know. But alas, she did not.

Clary walked in between the aisles of pews that lined the aisle. It was gorgeous, nothing like New York. Also nothing like New York, Clary realized with dread that she would be walking stares to find a room. Just as Clary prepared to make the ascent, something furry tickled her ankle.

She started, then she saw that it was only a cat. Clary reached down and picked him up, but the cat hissed and disentangled himself from Clary's arms, drawing blood as he kicked at her. Clary gingerly touched the wound and drew an _iratze._

"Just like a mini Church," Clary grumbled with memories of the older, fatter cat clouding her mind.

"I assure you, this church is anything but mini."

Clary's head snapped up to greet the intruder. Or rather, Clary amended mentally, greet the host. He was tall, not Alec-tall, but tall. His hair was a delicate chocolate brown, his eyes were hazy brown, and his skin had a golden pallor. At least, this was what Clary could tell in the moonlight. He stood with his hip jutted out, arms crossed over his chest. He looked defensive.

"I'm sorry, I- "

"Why are you here?" He snapped, ignoring her earlier comment.

"I am Nephilim and I seek refuge here," Clary said, setting her shoulders.

He rolled his eyes. "Cut the crap," Clary actually flinched back a fraction at the harshness in his tone. "Who are you?"

"I-I'm-" She wasn't sure what to say. Should she tell the truth? Use an alias? Could she really trust the person?

"This is Clarissa Morgenstern," this was a new voice.

Clary whipped her head to meet it-him-and saw a very similar looking boy. They were almost twins. Over her confusion, Clary heard the first boy mumble "the rune girl?" in an incredibly shocked voice.

She should have said something smart. She should have said something sarcastic and witty that would knock them off their feet. She should have said something Jace would say.

Instead? "I go by Clary Fray."

The second man looked amused. "Do excuse us, this is my brother Eryss. I am Casry. Please forgive my brother's rudeness. You are welcome here. Of course, how could we turn away a legend?"

The words pinched a Clary's heart. A legend? Clary was most certainly not a legend. Hiding a power people didn't seem to think she really had? Hated by those she thought she could trust? Trying not to fall in love with someone who hated her? Yes, absolutely.

But legendary?

Never in any dimension.

"Welcome to our Institute!"


	7. What a Welcome

WHAT A WELCOME

This time, Clary was sure it was sunlight bursting through her eyelids as she sat up in a rush. She'd had a nightmare, the classic "everyone hates you", but in Clary's case, the nightmare was undeniably real.

She felt around the covers of the luxurious bed she was sleeping in. The room in the French Institute was a stark contrast to those in New York. First of all, many of them were occupied. As it turned out, France was a major demon destination. Second of all, they at least seemed to care more about appearances. Not only was every piece of furniture angelic (no pun intended), they were gorgeous.

Third of all, no one here hated her as far as she knew. At least, not yet.

The night before, Casry and Eryss had shown her around. Clary found this odd in the harsh blackness of night, yet it helped her now as she made her way down to the kitchen for breakfast.

The second Clary walked into the dining room, she froze. There were fourteen pairs of eyes on her. Thirteen of them were seated at the table, hushed to silence and staring at her arrival. She hovered, and noticed that some had forgotten to continue chewing. The fourteenth pair of eyes was the cat; whose name was Shelby. She had the sudden urge to grab the cat and run, but she stood her ground.

Somebody mumbled something in French and suddenly everyone snapped their heads down to their plants. Unbelievably awkward, Clary made her way to en empty seat and sat down.

"Clary," it was Casry. She looked up expectantly. "Would like to meet everyone?" Clary didn't get a chance to answer, as he had already launched into an explanation.

"You know Eryss and I." _That's two._ "From youngest to oldest, the order is…"

He rocketed into a list of people, each one signaling with their hand or giving a steady nod to acknowledge that the called name was theirs. "Ebbie, Maz, Agatha, Becca, Henry, Lori, Jess, Beck, Telli, Jordie, and Maurie."

Clary was shocked that she even kept up, she was so overwhelmed. Ebbie was only six, and hadn't even started training. She had blazing red hair just like Clary's. Maz was seven (and-a-half, he had added) and also had not started training. He was Ebbie's older brother, but his hair was a much calmer dusty blond. Agatha was nine, as was Becca. They weren't related, simply the best of friends. Agatha was dark-skinned with matching dark hair. Becca was pale with a full head of platinum hair. Both had striking green eyes. Henry was ten, and looking forward to his first rune ceremony. Nothing about his appearance caught Clary's eye, which was exactly what made him stand out. Lori was eleven, nearly twelve, and an excellent archer. Her tangled brown hair fell down to her knees. Jess was thirteen, and he was very quiet. Apparently he had a talent for runes. His hair was the same dark black as Agatha's. Beck was fifteen, and he looked nearly the exact same as Simon. Thinking of him sent a stab of pain through Clary's body, but Beck was nothing like him. Beck was _athletic._ Telli was Clary's age of sixteen, and her blue eyes pierced straight through Clary. Finally, Jordie and Maurie were twins, both boys of eighteen who would be moving out in a matter of weeks.

Casry took a deep breath and Clary stared. She stayed silent, along with everyone else, as she tried to give everyone a personal file in her brain storage. When she left, she was near the last one, and Casry ended up joining her as she walked.

"How did you know who I was?" Clary asked.

His question seemed to startle him. His cheeks reddened and he looked as though he were frantically searching for an acceptable answer. "You created that pairing rune in Alicante, everyone knows that," he finally settled on.

Clary was quite sure this wasn't how he knew her, but she decided not to pry for now. "I'm not used to so many people," she admitted as they strolled down an unfamiliar hallway.

"You get used to it," he answered, relieved for her to have changed the topic so fast.

"Okay," was all Clary said.

"Are you okay?" Clary was so put off by his question that her step faltered for a moment, but she quickly recovered.

"Absolutely."

"You don't look it. Boy trouble?"

This time Clary stopped walking. " _What?_ " she demanded.

"I don't mean to offend you," he amended. "Just thought you might like to talk about it."

Clary sighed. "I thought that my friends liked me, then I accidentally walked in on my own public bashing," she admitted. And that was all he was getting. No one was allowed to have another part of her right now.

"Friends?" Casry questioned.

"Yes…" Clary said speculatively, slowly lifting her mental guard.

"What happened to that…" he fumbled for words. "Jace…kid?" He must've seen something in Clary's expression change, because suddenly he was hugging her. Clary pushed away awkwardly.

"Umm, no. That wasn't…a thing. I just needed to get away. But I probably won't be staying long," Clary started walking again, silently prompting Casry to follow her.

"Whatever you say," Casry said. "So where will you go next?"

Clary breathed in hard. "I've got no clue.


	8. Legendary

"Legendary," Clary breathed the word into the open space of the library. Casry, having forgotten to show it to her the previous night, had brought her here after their discussion. Immediately, Clary was able to locate a sensational spot to sit and draw: a window seat in a colossal window.

But Clary hadn't been able to draw at all. It was infuriating.

Well, she _had_ been able to, but the first lines that sprouted from the tip of her pen eventually and inevitably morphed into the curve of Jace's jawbone, or the glisten in his eyes, or the careless wisp of his golden hair.

It was infuriating.

Clary had become so frustrated by this tendency that she had considered tossing the meaningless drawings out the window, but many things stopped her. One, the window did not open. There goes that. Two, she was terrified that someone might find the drawings and think she was a stalker, or worse, come to the conclusion that Jace so recently had in Alicante. Three, the drawings were beautiful. She had mentioned before that when attempting to draw Jace, she'd never been able to get him right.

Clary had removed his mask.

It seemed funny that this only happened after she had left Jace standing there holding air, after what felt like an eternity of him telling her how worthless she was. Rather, funny wasn't the word for it. It was-like all other things this evening-infuriating.

A rustle made Clary's eyes snap from where that had been roaming Jace's face and was instead greeted with Telli's. "Hi…Telli?" Clary guessed, and Telli nodded quickly in affirmation. Clary slowly turned to face her and before she knew it Telli was _hugging_ her. Dumbfounded, Clary wrapped her arms around the girl.

Telli started speaking strangled French words that Clary could never hope to understand. She sighed. Then, there was a rune. It flashed with the same brilliant yellow and undeniable power as the rune she'd seen on Valentine's boat, in that room in Alicante. As that Fearless rune. It was amazing. Nonchalantly, Clary scrawled the rune on herself and was even more amazed to find that Clary could understand what Telli was saying.

She smirked. So much for childish drawing-games.

"I'm so happy you're here!" She shouted in Clary's ear, making her wince. "I've been waiting for so long!"

"Waiting for what?" Clary finally asked when Telli finally released her.

"Well, it's just…" she hesitated, and Clary tipped her head in a gesture for her to "go on."

"I'm kind of a psychic," Telli blurted.

"Okay," Clary said skeptically, her voice raising at the end as if it were a question.

"And I sensed that someone would be coming to help me," Telli continued, ignoring Clary's doubtful but accepting face.

"What do you need?" Clary asked, alerted. She barely knew this girl, yet her instincts from years of babysitting were already kicking in. Even though Telli was sixteen like Clary, she felt younger, and Clary wanted nothing more than to protect her.

"I can't ask the others," Telli admitted, and Clary only nodded, tempted to embrace the girl again. "You see, when I got here, I was bitter. Mad at everyone. And after a while, I started feeling bad because I was terrible. But I'm too scared to apologize and ask them for help, so they still think I'm mean and angry. And now you're here and I can be nice to somebody and you can help me!" Her voice was so frantically protected that Clary didn't even want to know what had made Telli so sad in the first place.

"You don't need to put on a mask. Just be you, be _nice._ I'm sure they'll appreciate it," Clary advised truthfully.

Telli shook her head. "That's not what I need help with," she countered.

"Okay, then tell me."

"It's a long story," Telli warned.

"I've got plenty of time,' Clary offered hopefully.

Telli's smile widened. "You're _legendary_ ," she whisper-shouted.

 _Yeah,_ Clary thought, _legendarily heartbroken…_


	9. Telli's Story

**Telli's Story**

I was six. Living with my best friend in an Institute on the French-German border. It was wonderful. Jake and I would sit out all day drawing runes in the sand outside the church. We started to grow up, and it was obvious he'd be the golden boy. Strong, athletic, genius, brave—-or stupid, whichever-and an amazing Shadowhunter.

There was one mission we went on when we were twelve. Yes, it was a young age to go out by ourselves, but it was Jake's idea. I was just his sidekick. But I was fine with that, I wasn't as good as he was, but I knew how he worked.

We went deep into Paris. Underground, I think. Jake wanted to capture a flock of Vangle demons. Long story short? Bad plan. What we didn't know was that the Vangle demons were under the control of a vampire. We'd stumbled upon his clan's home. Jake tried to plan it out, but he'd gone into some kind of shock. I pretty sure, when he was fighting one of them, he was bitten, and couldn't think straight.

So I tried to step up. Also a bad plan. I wanted to go out and try to reason with the leader of the clan. But he couldn't be swayed. We had come willingly into his place, and the Nephilim could persecute him for eating us. But, I've always been a protective person. I said that Jake had been bitten, and he should let us go, because he would most certainly taste horrible.

And that's when he said, "He can leave, if I can have you." I agreed, of course, before Jake could get it through his diseased skull what was happening. They pointed Jake of the way out and the vampire—

It was horrible. He tried too…I was…Every once in a while, in the middle of whatever else he was trying to get me to do, he'd just randomly bite me. And the pain…

It was so much that I had to get out of there. So I got up and ran. I was weak, and wouldn't have expected to make it more than sixty feet, but the vampire just stood there and laughed, laughed, laughed…

As I was trying to find my way out of the place, I found myself in the room. It was a giant dome, and it looked like years of blood splatter coated the walls but lying in the middle…

They had been lying. Of _course,_ they had. I had been so stupid. They killed Jake, and left me with that… _monster._ I laid with his body and cried until the group of Shadowhunters who were sent to rescue us had to pry me away.

And then they sent me here. Straight back to Paris. I've been, so sad, ever since.

 **Clary P.O.V.**

At some point during her story, Telli had started crying. Clary couldn't blame her. It was heartbreaking. The kind of thing that made her feel bad for being upset when she'd thought Jace was her brother.

Clary enveloped Telli in a tight embrace as she choked out quiet sobs. She held her and promised over and over again that she would help with whatever Telli needed her to do. There was just one thing she needed to do…

"Why aren't there any adults here?" Clary asked once Telli had been able to pull herself together.

"There are, they're just all at an Enclave meeting," Telli answered promptly.

Clary nodded respectfully. "Then who runs this place?"

"Eryss. He's sometimes mean, I know, but he cares inside. We all love him," she explained.

Clary smirked and mumbled, "Sound like someone else I know…" and of course she was thinking of Jace. Who else?

Telli perked up marginally, making Clary jump. "Who?!" she demanded, like she was hoping for a certain answer.

Clary eyed her curiously. "No one…" she said defensively.

"Oh," Telli seemed to calm herself. "Well, here's the thing that I need your help with. Jake…has a brother. Yes, a brother. And…I sometimes write to him. He feels so…guilty. So I've been trying to make him understand that it wasn't his fault. But…I'm having trouble. And, my…ability told me that someone would be able to help me do that. I think that person is you. Would you mind…writing to him, for me?"

The hope in Telli's eyes was brilliant. Clary couldn't stand to let her down. Of course, the situation was strange. Telli couldn't seem to settle on her explanation, it was like she was making it up as she went. It set off something suspicious in Clary's stomach, but once again, the look in her eyes pushed Clary to accept.

"Fine, Telli, but you can't expect anything to come out of this. I may be a rune myth or whatever you guys want to call it, but I have _never_ been good at advice. Seriously. I make terrible life decisions, I'm— "

"No," Telli interrupted. "Legend. You are a _legend._ "


	10. Pen Pals

Clary took a deep breath as she sat in the unbelievably soft chair at the desk in her new room. Here she sat, about to write a letter to someone she didn't even know. Someone who felt guilty and Clary had no idea how to begin. She took another breath, let it out, and set her pencil to the paper.

And she drew a picture of Jace. Fabulous.

And once again, she drew him perfectly. Frustrated at her off-task train of thought, Clary crumpled the sketch into a ball. Then, regretting her actions, as it was one of the most beautiful things she'd ever drawn, she straightened it out and tacked it up on the wall. Then she did the same with all the others. Clary accidentally formed a collage of such gorgeous sketches of Jace on her wall. Terrific, really.

There was a knock on her door and before she could stop her, Telli burst into the room. "Hi, Clary, how's the letter-" Suddenly, Telli caught sight of all the drawings on the wall and silenced. Clary was immediately ready to explain herself, but Telli burst into a fangirl-ish squeal. Clary rushed to quiet her but it was no use. She rushed to one of the drawings and let her fingers trail over it dreamily, all the while giggling in a teenage tone.

"You love him…" she sighed.

"Love who—" Then Clary stopped. "You know who this is?" she pointed to one of the Jace's on the wall.

Telli stepped back instantaneously and schooled her features from their sheepish grin into a nonchalant but panicked expression. "No, I just think he's pretty and I'm glad that you love somebody," Telli covered.

Hmm. Suspicious.

"You do love him, right?" Telli asked questioningly. That girl and her darn hopefulness. Such a killer.

 _No,_ she wanted to shout. _No, I don't love him, and he doesn't love me either, okay?_ But she could say it. She couldn't deny it, couldn't choke out the words. When she tried to form them in her mouth, they tasted foreign. And Clary hated it.

"Are you here for as reason?" Clary snapped, and it was unreasonably harsh. Clary grimaced.

Telli stepped back a half step. "What did he do?" she asked, but there was a hint in her voice that conveyed she already knew. But that was impossible.

"What?" Clary feigned ignorance, but the annoyance was leaking into her voice.

"You're mad, but you still love him," Telli reasoned.

Clary closed her eyes and sighed heavily. "Why are you here, Telli?" Clary squeaked through gritted teeth.

"I just wanted to see how it was coming with the letter."

Clary sighed again. "I haven't written anything. I don't even know where to start," she admitted, calming again.

"It's okay. I'll just…leave you be," Clearly, Telli had noticed Clary's awkward attitude. Before Clary could protest to apologize, Telli had whisked from the room, shutting the door behind her.

With yet _another_ sigh, Clary sat her desk and set the pencil to the paper.

And this time, she _wrote._

Dear,

Hmm. Issue. Clary erased that word. She'd have to ask Telli for his name.

Hello,

My name is Clary Fray. I've been told by a newfound friend of mine that you are experiencing tough times. Telli told be about your brother, about his tragic murder. I apologize sincerely. What she told me was that you not only felt grief, but responsibility. Let me be the one to tell you that it was not your fault that he died. You were not asked to join in his mission. You could not have known the outcome.

You have done nothing wrong.

I just felt it was important for you to know this. Please write me back if you need to talk,

Clary

Perfect. Clary sealed the letter in an envelope and looked at the clock. It was already time for dinner? It had been such a day, and it had ended well.

 **Hey guys, just wanted to let you know that the next chapter will probably be shorter, sorry! I just thought this was a good ending for this chapter, but I have a small part planned out for the next. I'll try to post soon, though, so I don't leave you hanging!**

 **Also, I won't get to write Saturday or Sunday (Saturday: horse show, Sunday: Birthday!) just letting you know!**


	11. Rude Awakening

"Clary!" Telli shouted as Clary entered the dining room. "Come meet my parents!"

Clary almost stopped dead in her tracks. There were at least 30 more adults occupying the thirteen others Clary had previously met. The adults were back. She hurried over to Telli, who was standing in front of two, burly looking men. "Hi," she squeaked weekly. She almost rolled her eyes. Add "meeting new people" to the list of things she'd failed at.

"So, this is Jo," she pointed to the man on her left who, honestly, look like a lumberjack. Red scraggly hair, unshaved beard, and literal black flannel. Wow. "He's my adopted father, and this is Luk," she said. He was the spitting image of Telli. A moment later, her suspicions were confirmed when Telli added, "He's my biological father."

"Clary!" this time it was Agatha calling, so Clary rushed over to meet her parents. By the end of the night, Clary had met nearly every adult in the place, and couldn't even hope to remember their names. It was emotionally exhausting. It made Clary really miss the New York Institute where all Clary had to worry about was Maryse, Robert, Izzy, Alec, and-Jace.

Clary couldn't stop herself.

What was he doing now? Thinking of her? Sleeping with another girl? Teaching someone else how to fight demons? Helping to hunt someone else's mother? Letting someone else fall in love with him?

Harshly, Clary halted her train of thought. Nope. No way. She was not going there. Certainly not.

Guilt burned in her stomach. Clary hadn't even spent one second looking for her mother. That would have to change. Clary rose to leave from the table everyone had been lounging around when Telli jumped up to follow her.

"Hi," she piped.

"Hey, Tel," Clary said, instinctively looping her arm through Telli's. The two of them giggled through the hallways at Clary's first impressions of the adults today. Suddenly, Telli stopped dead in her tracks. "What?" Clary asked, her attention peaked.

"I just had a vision," It took both of them a moment to notice they were at Clary's door. "You're going to have quite the rude awakening tomorrow," and with that, Telli walked away, leaving Clary to consider her words before heading off to bed.

 **I'm back guys! And one year older ;) Sorry that this one is shorter but I'm already working on the next!**


	12. Two Weeks Time

Clary awoke to a sharp knocking on her door. She had slept unbelievably soundly the night before, and paid no heed to Telli's warning, despite the fact that it was slowly coming true. She slowly forced her eyes to open and dragged herself to the door, wearily opening it.

Of _course_ she was greeted with Telli's frantically excited form. Clary groaned as Telli rushed around Clary, all the while mumbling about how fast Clary needed to be moving.

Somehow, Clary was able to get herself awake enough to function _without_ a cup of steaming black coffee. However, she was not yet awake enough to make her way through the hallways behind a hurrying Telli without stumbling a few times.

"By the Angel, Clary, you're like a zombie," Telli complained as Clary was dragged around yet another corner.

"It's. Too. Early," Clary protested in a mumbled voice.

"It's eleven," Telli snapped exasperatedly.

Clary nearly stopped in her tracks and listed her head to the side. "Your point…?" she questioned grumpily. Telli simply rolled her eyes and hurled around another corner. This one, Clary was utterly stricken to find, looked like it would be the last. There was a small gathering at the end of the hall, consisting of a few dignified adults Clary had met, Eryss, Casry, Telli, and herself. She made an attempt to straighten up, but she felt it didn't do much good. They all seemed to be circled around a person, not tall enough to be seen over the crowd, but tall, with dark hair. She was momentarily sure that there was someone else with that person, but her confidence vanished quickly with the moving mass of people. That was all Clary could see.

Apparently, they had a visitor.

Telli released Clary's hand and she fell into a line behind some of the adults. This was weird. Some strange but traditional Shadowhunter ceremony? Clary wouldn't put it past them. Eventually it was Clary's turn to introduce herself to this visitor, and her heart was pitter-pattering in her chest, though she couldn't pinpoint the exact reason.

"Hi, I'm-" Clary's voice cut short when she met eyes with the other girl. Her hair was now so familiar. Her tall, gorgeous body nothing but recognizable. It was Isabelle.

Izzy's outstretched hand hovered in the air for a split second, then Clary was involved in an unbelievably tight embrace. "Clary, what the-you could've been-we were so worried-are you really mad?" Izzy babbled frantically while slowly allowing herself to release Clary.

"Hi, Izzy," Clary responded lamely. She was only slightly aware that the others were watching curiously, because she was now _very_ aware that Alec was with Izzy, and that he was wearing a severely devious expression.

"Been in touch with Jace lately?" he asked simply. But the question was anything but.

"Alec-" Izzy started to plead, but to no use. He had started off out the door of the old Institute, and Clary was after him immediately.

"Alec, no!" Clary shouted desperately. This was _not happening._ " _Please_!"

"Clary, you can't run forever," Alec chimed, and Clary could tell from the tone of his voice that there was an arrogant smirk on his face. "Plus, I have a feeling Jace has some things he'd like to say to you."

"If you mean 'I hate you,' 'you're pathetic,' or 'you're clingy,' that's been said and done, Alec," Clary reminded him. Finally, Alec turned, though the two-three, as a severely worried Isabelle had joined them-of them were already on the Institute steps. He stared at her with remorse, as if he had been the one to say those things.

"He wouldn't. Jace loves-" He cut himself off abruptly.

For a moment Clary started at his words. But she didn't allow herself to wonder what he'd been about to say. Clary rolled her eyes. "Look, can you please just stay quiet? I promise, if you do that, I'll leave with you in…two weeks. If you want me to," she reasoned.

"Yes," Izzy interrupted from behind them. "He- _we_ -can do that. And then you _will_ come back with us in two weeks. Is that a plan, Clary?"

Her heart shuddered wildly in her chest. Two weeks? She had only two weeks before she'd have to face Jace again? Or two weeks to convince Izzy and Alec to let her stay by herself. She wasn't sure she could do it. Was it a risk Clary was willing to take?

With a deep breath, Clary nodded.

 **Hey my people! Here's your next chapter…hope you like!**

 **Crazyweirdbitingladyorcatnip: I'd like to wish you a** _ **very**_ **happy birthday! Mine was the fourth. (Love your username. Is there a reason behind it?)**

 **Sunshine3204: I absolutely agree! I've noticed something felt wrong but couldn't quite tell what it was, so thank you so much! I'm pretty sure this one was shorter, too.**

 **So for all of you, what is your ideal chapter length in words? It would help me so much to know what you guys are hoping for so that I can hope to meet that. Let me know!**


	13. Unnamed Frustration

_Dear Clary,_

 _You have no idea how it feels to write those words. I wish I could only say that out loud. Perhaps we might consider this sometime. To meet in person. That would please me so._

 _I do very appreciate the words you wrote me. It helps me on a path to becoming whole again. But then, sometimes I wonder, how far is whole? So many times I have been sure that I am nearly there, then something, or someone, reminds me of how far I am from being good._

 _Sometimes people are both. I have met those who have convinced me that I am innocent, that I can be good. But the second I see how good they are for saying these things to me, I recall just how much I do not deserve to have them in my life._

 _I messed up, Clary. I monumentally failed. I tried to push myself away from_ _her_ _him, but instead I ended up harming them more than I ever could by staying nearby._

 _I failed myself, once again, and I failed them._

 _I cannot begin to express my remorse. If only I could say those things to them. How I wish I could've done something more, something better, something good. But for now, I guess I shall just stick to writing you. And hope that you may find a way for me to be whole._

 _I trust you, Clary_

 _Jake's Brother_

Clary set down the letter with a heaving sigh. His words held so much power. So much misery and fright that Clary couldn't conceive. But he was so mysteriously unknown. For example, she didn't even know his name. He even referred to _himself_ as "Jake's Brother." Seriously?

An idea flashed across Clary's mind. What if this was made up? What if she was about to share her deepest, darkest secrets with someone like, Valentine? Could it be true?

Clary shut the thought line down immediately. Leave it to her to second-guess the sad child with a dead brother. Well done, Clary, seriously. A freakin' plus.

There was a jarring knock on the door at which Clary jumped dramatically, resulting in the letter flying from her grasp and landing inches from the vent under her desk. She ignored the knock, and quickly slithered down to retrieve it. When she had the letter in her grasp, Clary made to get out from under the desk, and ended up hitting her head with a shattering _thump._

Clary was rubbing her head when Izzy let herself in. She inspected Clary from her sore head to the letter still in her hand with a curious eye. Izzy's gaze settled on the letter, and Clary froze. _Not yet,_ she thought, _not time yet._

"You're a mess," Izzy commented. Clary shrugged.

"What's that?" Izzy questioned, though staying still.

Clary lied instantly. "A journal," she covered.

"A journal?" Izzy repeated skeptically.

"Yes," Clary answered. "Like a diary."

"You're writing a diary on one piece of paper?" Izzy pressed. Clary was at her limit.

"Well, I didn't have a real diary, so this will work for now," she explained, setting the letter on top of another stack of papers to add credibility and believability.

"Oh," Izzy confided, though she didn't sound convinced. Clary should make a lie detecting rune. Or better yet, a convincing rune. Yes, that would work. "Well, come on. I want to walk with you."

Clary nodded and slipped on a coat to follow Izzy. Her and Alec had been staying in the French Institute for four days now, and Izzy and Clary had a regularly growing daily walk through the luscious gardens. The first walk, Izzy had apologized heavily for what she'd said, begging for forgiveness, which Clary had given. The only person, Clary discovered, who she was still angry enough to be upset with was Jace.

Surprise, surprise.

The next three walks had only been filled with mindless chatter, the kind Clary used to enjoy with Simon. Clary sighed. Simon hadn't made any attempt to contact her at all. And she hadn't made any attempt to contact him. Was that how it worked? Was she supposed to call him and give him a chance to apologize? Was she supposed to call him and apologize herself? Clary desperately wished she'd had more experience with friends to know how to deal with this. Clary also remembered that in her epic storm-out, she had forgotten her phone.

"Clary," Izzy hissed, and Clary was suddenly aware she'd been trying to get Clary's attention for a while now. Clary looked up to see Jordie and Maurie standing in front of them.

"Clary!" Jordie and Maurie chimed at the same time, their smiles widening. Freaky synchronization, bad. "Someday you must introduce us to this friend of yours. She is positively gorgeous!"

The two of them moved on and Izzy clamped her fingernails into Clary's arm.

"Ahh," Clary grimaced in pain.

"How can you understand them?" she asked. Clary had forgotten that it was her newly discovered language rune that was helping her to understand the children's French.

Clary lifted her arm to show Izzy the rune, and Izzy's eyes widened fractionally. "You invented a rune?"

"No," Clary explained. "I don't like to call it 'inventing.' It's more like 'discovering.' Because it's been out there all along, I just am the one who's trusted to find it."

Izzy nodded with understanding as the two of them passed through the doors that led to the garden. "It's incredible, you know. We were _so_ wrong," Izzy told Clary.

"Thank you, but I'm not sure all of you feel that way," Clary couldn't help it. She really needed to start working on a little thing she called not reacting.

"Tell me what happened," Izzy pleaded. "Tell me what he said that did this."

Clary shook her head, but halted midway. She wasn't feeling ready to admit her secret, but there was one thing she needed to know more…

"Only if you tell me why you're here," Clary bargained.

"Done," Izzy immediately answered. Darn. Clary hadn't expected her to be that lenient. Perhaps Izzy really was desperate to know.

Clary sighed unsteadily. "Izzy…"

"You promised!" Izzy snapped, and Clary scrunched up her face.

"No, I-" She started.

"Shh, just start explaining."

Clary found a bench and sat down on it. Izzy followed. "He came after me to tell me that I was running, when I left Sebastian's. He said it was because I was too scared to face the truth. He said I was, let's see, pathetic, weak, without skill, a liar, and so _plain._ "

Izzy's mouth dropped open. "By the Angel," her voice was shaky enough to a point that she might cry. But Isabelle Lightwood, did _not cry._ "I can't believe him. Clary, I'll—"

"Oh, that's not all," Clary warned, and Izzy instantly silenced. She gulped as she prepared to share something she'd never ever wanted to speak out loud.

"He said-. He said that I was in love with him. And that he didn't love me back. But I-" Clary stopped again. She could force the words out for the life of her.

"Do you? Do you, Clary? It is crucial that I have this information!" Izzy shouted, and Clary shushed her.

"I…" Clary winced. "I don't…" She grimaced and gritted her teeth. "I. Do. Not. Love. J…" and, there it goes.

With a frustrated growl, Clary shot up off the bench and began pacing restlessly. She dropped her face into her hands to avoid aggravated tears.

"Clary. You've—Jace has—oh, _no!_ " Izzy screeched, joining Clary in her terrified pacing.

"I know," Clary whined. "I'm terrible. It's terrible!"

Izzy grabbed Clary by her shoulders and shook her violently. "No, no! It's good, I promise. But right now it's bad. But the only reason it's bad is because he didn't know about the good. So we'll fix it if we just tell him about the good, okay?" she demanded.

Clary trembled with confusion. "What?!"

"Nothing, bye!" and with that, Izzy was gone, shooting off toward the Institute. Clary rolled her eyes and watched her go, then started off behind her.

Clary opened the door to her own room, exhausted. She slumped into her chair, then, deciding it wasn't enough, she flopped down onto her bed. Still not enough, Clary snuggled into the covers and pulled them up over her head.

Suddenly, seconds from a relentless sleep, Clary shot up straight. The covers were still draped over her head, so she wrestled them off with a shove. She had forgotten to make Isabelle pay her part of the deal. Not okay, not okay at all.

Clary stomped down the hallway to the rooms Izzy and Alec had been given. She picked the first door, hooping it was Izzy's, and pounded on it. Seconds later, the door opened and a fuming, messy Alec opened the door. With his hair in careless wisps and his shirt rumpled to a crisp, he actually looked cute. Haphazard Alec was going to have to make more appearances.

"What?" Alec snapped, and Clary's eyes were roughly drawn from where they lingered at the tips of his black hair.

"Oh, umm…" Clary stammered. "Where's your sister?" she finally demanded.

Alec simply groaned and slammed the door in her face, rolling his eyes. Clary copied his gesture and stalked off to the remaining possible room. Feeling absolutely spent, Clary lifted her hand to knock a second time. She let her fist fall heavily against the door, and Clary raised her hand to knock again, but the door had immediately opened. She had pushed it open, as it wasn't fully closed in the first place.

"Iz…?" Clary asked, but she trailed off when she caught a piece of Izzy's conversation form where she talked on the phone by her window.

"Jace, she's—" Silence. "But, I promise! She told me! Or, she couldn't tell me she _didn't_ -" More silence. Clary could almost imagine Jace shouting back at Izzy through the phone, contradicting her every statement. "Just listen to me, please!" And once again, silence. "Jonathan Christopher Herondale, don't you dare hang up on me!" Izzy waited for about fifteen seconds, most likely with no response from the other end of the line. Then she grumbled a frustrated "ugh" and, startling Clary, chucked her phone across the room, directly to the right of Clary's head.

Clary ducked to avoid a concussion, but was later happy because Izzy hadn't seen her. She was too emotionally exhausted to confront Iz, much less argue with her. When Clary was sure Izzy wouldn't be coming out any time soon, Clary silently slipped away back to her own room, tears already crowning the corners of her eyes.

Clary allowed herself exactly twenty-six minutes to cry before she dried her eyes and picked up the pencil to write back to Jake's brother.

 _Dear…Jake's Brother?_

 _It's Clary. Your last letter was incredibly moving. I feel so very honored that you have chosen to let me in, to grace me with the secrets of your tormented soul. It gives me such an ambition to help. First, let me start by telling you of my own hurt. Perhaps mutualism is a theory neither you nor Telli have pursued?_

 _I fell in love. I say it simply and outright. If I were to speak these words, I'm sure I would find it much harder, though maybe not to you…Now as it is, I can write them without fear. Or rather, without_ much _fear, that is. I fell in love with a conflicted, dark, mysterious boy. And once I did, his layered peeled back to reveal passion, loneliness, and love. But there was always something I couldn't make him show me. It is something only he himself could shed. But, nevertheless, I fell in love with him._

 _And until quite recently, I was deceived into thinking perhaps I was not alone. It all started when I walked in on my own private bashing, with he and three of my greatest friends involved. The misery and self-consciousness I felt drove me to run away. I went to Idris, gaining permission to enter through promising to show the Clave a talent I was capable of. I found someone who took me in and trained me, helping me to be able to, someday, prove those people wrong. When-I shall call him Jon-showed up along with two of those who were present, I was prepared. Prepared to stand up for myself._

 _When Jon asked me to come back, I refused. Tore myself from his grip, emotional and physical, and walked away. I barely made it ten feet. I turned back to find my wrist thoroughly grasped in Jace's icy grip, his eyes colder than the betrayed air surrounding me. He told me I was running because I was scared of the truth, and when asked what exactly the truth was, he grew even worse._

 _The most horrible part is that everything he said-I was worthless, I was without skill, I was pathetic-was true. True in the worst possible ways. I don't have skill, I don't have worth, I don't have strength, or power, or legendary honesty. He was right and I hate myself for it._

 _But I hate myself more because of what he decided to say next. The trouble was, even he seemed to have remorse saying it. Like the words he was about to utter were ridiculously harsh for even him. He told me that I loved him. I was infuriated. What kind of right did he have to tell me my own emotions? But of course, he was right. And he was right when he said he didn't love me back. I can only hope this is true. Otherwise, what kind of person am I becoming? What is my reason?_

 _I apologize if I am burdening you with this information. But perhaps now, you do not feel as alone?_

 _Love Clary_

 **I made this one much longer for you guys! Almost 2,500 words! It's five pages on word ;D Hope you like!**


	14. She Knows

**NEW THING! Song of the chapter! (Probably won't stay, just for this one) Song is: Thief, by Ansel Elgort. Also, I now this one is short, but I wanted to post it quickly for you!**

It didn't make any sense.

It had been four days since she had sent her last letter to Jake's brother, that's over one whole week, leaving only one left before she'd have to return to the Institute with Izzy and Alec. To the place where mean, evil, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was currently residing. The thought sent shivers down her spine.

But what made her even more uneasy was Jake's brother's silence. Why had he shut her out so suddenly? Had her words put him off? Had she scared him away?

Fantastically done, Clary. Really. Just fabulous.  
A sharp knock yanked Clary from her reverie. She started slightly, then slugged along to the door, wrapping a robe over her pajamas.

"What," Clary demanded grumpily as she threw the door open.

"Wow, you really aren't a morning person," Izzy said cheerfully, letting herself in Clary's room. Of course it was chipper-Izzy. Of course. "Come on. We're going out on the city with Casry and Eryss."

Clary was shaking her head before Izzy even finished her sentence. "No," she protested. "Outside—grumpy—bad plan—ehh," she groaned.

Izzy chuckled at Clary's ragged attempt to argue. She then proceeded to dress Clary in a flowing white sundress, floppy sunhat, and elegant sandals. This day _sucked_.

In seconds it seemed, Clary was being hurtled out the door at breakneck speeds-at least for this early in the morning-and squished into a plain-looking car to head off to God knows where. She hopped into the car to avoid breaking bones and immediately crashed into Casry, who caught her expertly. Clary looked at him with a dumbfounded expression on her face while Izzy climbed in, much more gracefully, behind her.

Suddenly feeling awkward, Clary sat up and adjusted the hat on her head. Then, after several failed attempts to return it to it's prior fashionable nonchalance, Clary tore it off and tried to subtly hide it under the seat. Obviously, this was hard to do since the only round in the carriage-like vehicle was Clary messing with her hat.

And it was a carriage-like car. Clary sat next to Casry and across from them sat Izzy and Eryss. I was like a limousine set up, but much smaller and a lot less fancy. Eventually, Izzy made hushed conversation with Eryss, and the two of them were constantly sending flirty glances the other's way. This only prompted Clary and Casry to share equally exasperated glances.

Suddenly, a thought popped up in Clary's mind. "Izzy," she said, and her tone was louder than intended, so the black-haired girl immediately snapped her head in Clary's direction like something was wrong. "Sorry," Clary amended, then continued. "What ever happened to Simon?"

When Clary had left, she'd admit Simon and Izzy hadn't been particularly close, but there had definitely been something brewing between them. And that was why Clary found herself rather confused about why Iz seemed genuinely interested in this new, not-even-that-cute, boy. But then again, it was Isabelle Lightwood we were discussing.

"He's feeling kind of...sick," Izzy responded cautiously.

"What do you mean?" Clary asked her.

"Well, ever since you...you know...he's been feeling more guilty than all of us. Well, maybe not _all_ of us-," (Clary had a feeling Izzy was alluding to Jace here, and was tempted to roll her eyes, rather conspicuously,) "But it's taken a large toll on him especially, emotionally, mentally, and surprisingly: physically."

This hadn't been what Clary was asking for, but even if she had phrased her question more specifically, she doubted Izzy would have been open to begin discussing a possible failed relationship she'd had while Clary was off in France. Eryss and Casry had courteously started their own side conversation so as not to eavesdrop, and this made Clary happy because if this kept up, she wouldn't have to take awkwardly with Casry.

But of course, it didn't. Izzy turned back to Eryss only a few quiet seconds after her explanation of Simon's condition (which, though Simon had hurt her greatly, like everyone else present at the time, worried Clary immensely. He was still her best friend) forcing Clary to attempt conversation with Casry.

The two of them barely managed to uphold empty small talk until the carriage/car came to a steady stop and Clary was able to throw herself into a refreshing blast of fresh air. The other three followed, but instantly bumped into Clary, who stood staring in awe at the great tower of metal that rose before her.

Of course, she had seen the Eiffel Tower upon her first arrival here, but she hadn't really had a chance to _see_ it. The structure was absolutely brilliant. Brilliantly breath-taking. Breath-takingly absolute. Her fingers itched to draw it, but in her-rather, Izzy's haste-she hadn't had time to snatch in off her night dresser. Impatient, Izzy took Clary by the arm and dragged her toward the tower. Izzy forced and unwilling Clary to pose for a few photographs, courtesy of Eryss and his vintage polaroid camera, before they all agreed to conquer the 1,710 steps to the top.

Technically, visitors were only allowed to climb to the first platform and then were required to take an elevator the rest of the way, but who were Shadowhunters if not the world's rule breakers? Well, you know, protectors of the humans, fighters of demons, defenders of realms, blah blah blah.

It was a mistake.

Even for Nephilim, after the nearly 2,000-stair-climb, all four visitors were huffing and puffing to an extreme. Clary leaned against a pillar and observed the others. Surprisingly, she seemed in the best shape. She guessed that even though Shadowhunters were extremely well-physiqued, they may not have had experience with mundane exercise equipment. Clary had at least been to a gym a minimum of two times.

Finally, with startling realization, Clary turned around and observed the view.

Even with no breath remaining from her climb, the air was brutally stolen from her lungs. The city was so far below that Clary could barely make out the details on buildings. People around her made for the binoculars, but Clary preferred this view. It was the artists view. Only Casry's hand coming down on her reminded Clary to breathe in. When she did, she choked a little to lack of air, and Eryss chuckled quietly while still checking to make sure the was alright.

"It's so beautiful..." Clary breather, and Casry only nodded. She turned to look back down below, but found resistance on the cool surface of Casry's fingertips. She turned back to look at him, confused, only to find his nose only centimeters from her own. She made to pull back, but Casry's hand was already twined around the back of her neck, pulling her closer to him. She felt his breath on her lips, the warmth a stark contrast to the chill surrounding her. He looked in her eyes, that his gaze flicked to her lips. He drew her to him-

Clary yanked back. "I-" she couldn't speak. "I'm sorry, I-" Casry appeared confused, hurt, but Clary couldn't look at him. She turned and walked away, clutching her hands close to her. All she could think was that she should've been able to do it. She should have been able to kiss him. She liked Casry fine. He was-he was...Well, it didn't matter! What mattered was that Clary had discovered something about herself. Something she had known, but hadn't been able to face. Hadn't been able to confront. Hadn't been able to admit was true.

She was 100% not over Jace. He had broken her. He had made it so that she couldn't think of other people, only him. She loved him, and he didn't love her, and that wouldn't never change because Jace had broken her. Because that was what he was. Jace Herondale was a heartbreaker and he had broken her.

Just before Clary hurtled into an empty elevator to hide from her friends, she caught a wisp of raven black hair in the corner of her vision, and a whisper that said, "I was right."

Luckily, Eryss had brought her a collection of polaroid photographs since she had left in such a hurry, and that's how Clary found herself in the window seat in the library drawing a replica of his photos. She and Casry hadn't spoken, and no one else had many any comment or question on what had caused her to leave. But Clary suspected Izzy knew. She sat next to Clary on the ride back and made conversation with her so she wouldn't have to speak to Casry. She had been acting strangely giddy around Clary. What gave her more confirmation was the black hair she had seen, the whisper she had heard. Of course it was Izzy.

But there were so many mysteries. What was she right about? What did Izzy want? Why was she here? What was Jace thinking?

In her absentmindedness, Clary hadn't realized the pen had strayed from her original drawing pattern. And what had she drawn overtop of her wondrous portrait of Paris? Friggin' Jace. For the love of...


	15. Kill-Joke Kidnapping

Clary had only been in the library for about an hour when the door creaked open. She looked up instantly, expecting to find Izzy or Telli, or perhaps even Alec. But she didn't see anyone. So she returned to her drawing. It wasn't hard to believe that she might have just been hearing things. Of course, there was no doubt something like this could happen, given Clary's mental and emotional state.

She didn't pay any mind to it, none at all. Until the noise returned and Clary looked up only to see a hint of someone's figure and then to be hit brutally in the head.

And then Clary didn't see anything.

When she woke up, Clary still hung in the remnants of unconsciousness. But it only took her a few seconds to rage into panic mode. She was able to assess a few facts. For one, she was gagged. A rope was tied around her head, across her mouth, disenabling her voice. Her hands were bound behind her back, and when she pulled, she learned that her hands were bound to the wall. Her feet were also tied together, though not too tight. Clary assumed that if need be, she could pull out of them with little force.

That is, if she could calm her mind and body down enough to focus. She knew her chaotic functions were irrational. Her thoughts buzzed around in her brain and her limbs shook, though from cold, fear, or adrenaline, she couldn't tell.

But she'd learned since before. Jace, Sebastian, and even some trainers here in France had taught her very much in her time as a new Shadowhunter. She wondered if Jace were here now, would she be able to beat him? It seemed reasonable enough-

Clary stopped herself. Not the time. Although, these unnecessary thoughts had succeeded in calming her enough for Clary to be logical. And this gave her a plan.

Currently, Clary was surrounded by pitch darkness. But then, there was the sound of a door and light flowed in. That's how Clary figured out she was in a closet. That's how she figured out the room outside was her own. And that's how she figured out that her kidnapper was Casry.

Impossible. No. Nothing's impossible. Illogical. Yes. Illogical. Unnecessary. Why? Why? Nonsensical? How? When? Where? What? Who? Well, blunt-force trauma to the head. Before the dinner hour (Though Clary didn't know if this was still the case. Judging by the time she was out and any extra chemicals Casry could have given her, it could've been days). Clary's own closet. A kidnapping. And Casry.

"Oh, you're awake," Casry sneered while kneeling down to be at her level. Clary burned all over with absolute, sincere rage. "How charming."

Clary started to say the words, _get away from me_. But she stopped before she could embarrass herself by grumbling childishly around the gag. Instead, she settled for fixing Casry with a might glare.

He smirked at her look. "We need to talk, Clary," he explained. Clary rolled her eyes and tried her best to gesture at the gag. "Ah," Casry laughed. "I'll talk. And you'll listen.

Casry leaned back against the wall of the closet, facing her. This set Clary's plan into very nice, very steady motion. Wonderful.

"You see, I want you, Clary. I want you to be mine and I don't want you to be anyone else's. I don't think it's love because I don't really care about you; I just want no one else to have you. You may think I am some psycho stalker, possessive idiot who will be going to jail soon. But I won't. Because we'll be leaving very soon, Clary. Ah, yes. My plan is working along quite nicely," Casry told her.

 _And so is my plan,_ Clary countered in her head. She had originally planned on waiting longer to execute her plan, but now seemed just perfect. She couldn't wait longer to kick in this idiot's face.

That's when Clary used all the strength in her body to yank her ankles apart and snap the rope away. Somehow, she managed to hook one foot around Casry's neck while keeping the other foot out of his range. Then Clary pulled back, and shoved the heel of her shoe into Casry's nose. She kicked him _hard._

Casry yelped, and Clary used his temporary pain to begin to struggle against the restraints on her wrist. But it was taking too long. She could feel the blood running down her arms. It seemed more damage was being done to her wrists than the rope itself

Casry recovered then and leaped at Clary, grasping for her throat. Clary pulled away, but only managed to smack the back of her head across the wall and grimace, narrowly avoiding Casry's attack. She continued to try to free her wrists while she fought Casry with only her legs. She was doing surprisingly well for such a new Shadowhunter, but she had learned quite a bit.

Eventually, Clary had to give up on her wrists and focus entirely on Casry. His constant loss was only managing to make him angrier, therefore stronger. Clary was rapidly beginning to lose.

A flash of silvery material caught Clary's eye. But it was more aimed to Casry, as it caught around her neck. Casry was yanked off of Clary and she watched in absolute awe as Izzy manipulated her whip to hold Casry still. But he still struggled with the parts of him that didn't rely entirely on pain in his neck. He lashed out viciously.

That's when Alec appeared, wielding a short-sword. But he chucked this sword nearly out the window and immediately fell into position, holding Casry still with his knees and fists. Both Izzy and Alec then looked up to the door, as if for instruction. Clary followed their gaze, and froze.

Jace stood in the doorway, staring at Casry's limp body with horrific fury. Thankfully, this meant he wasn't looking at her. Clary's state of mind just might bring her to instant tears if this were to occur.

Jace whipped out a seraph blade. He looked the same. Dressed in black, covered in wild, golden hair. Golden eyes nearly piercing through the floor. Depressed, miserable, angry at the world. Yup. No difference there.

Slowly, Jace walked to Casry and positioned the blade over his heart. His hands were shaking.

Realizing what he was doing, Izzy reached out a hand and laid it over Jace's. He relaxed marginally. "Don't, Jace. This isn't a kill-crime. Besides, there are _more important things_ to deal with."

As soon as Clary realized Izzy was talking about her, she turned her attention back to her wrists. She dipped her head to avoid accidental eye contact, but felt all three pairs of eyes on her. It burned.

"Get him out," Jace demanded softly, but firmly.

"Jace, maybe Izzy or I should handle-," Alec started, but stopped soon. Clary could imagine Jace giving him a glare that Alec knew meant _No more._

Clary heard three pairs of footsteps as Izzy and Alec dragged a writhing Casry out into the hallway, and then it was just she and Jace. As he slowly approached her in the closet, Clary's breathing increased and she rubbed at her wrists furiously. She could feel Jace's presence, rather than hear, much less see him.

Clary's head was nearly dug into her chest when he finally reached her after what seemed like an eternity.

"Clary, stop," Jace warned as he crouched at her hands. Clary did not stop. Not even when he took her by the wrists and tried to still them. "Stop," he said again softly. Finally aggravated, he dropped the softness, "Clary, stop! You'll tear open an artery!"

Eventually, Clary let go and let him cut the ties. She hadn't even noticed the increased amount of blood on her wrists. Then she was free. Unable to stay in this close of a vicinity with Jace, Clary tore her hands away from him. He was the person that caused all of this to happen, technically. When she thought about it, nearly every very good or very bad thing in her life depended on Jace. More likely than not, it was the bad things.

Clary stood up and took a couple steps in an effort to get away from Jace, but this was a mistake. Almost immediately Clary fell backwards, her brain swimming. There were so many things wrong with her right now: Blood loss, injuries, concussion, confusion, fury, heartbreak...

But even with everything Jace had done to her, when he caught her as she fell, she felt better and more at home than in any bed of hers.


	16. Out of Chances

Clary slept deeply. It took her only seconds to fall asleep once she was in Jace's arms, though she wasn't positive that she was still there. But she wasn't positive of anything. Through the night, or day, she swam, flew, sprinted, and strolled through dream after dreams. Dreams that were serious, of angels, death, gold, and return. Then there were those that were silly, of chicken races, rainbow roller-coasters, a life of stardom, and broken trampolines.

But now it was time to wake up. Clary was ready. But her body wasn't. Clary was unable to lift her limbs and her eyes drooped heavily. But it was time to wake up. She had quite the things to deal with...

So with any burst of energy she could find beneath exhaustion and discarded dreams, Clary forced her eyes to open. Then she forced her fingers to bend, then her hands, then her arms, and so on. Clary was on one of the many beds in the infirmary, and found it surprisingly comfortable. The room was otherwise empty, save for one nurse in the far end of the room, a Mundane with the Sight.

Oh, and Jace, Alec, and Izzy. Luckily for Clary, Jace remained in a corner of the room with his head bent sloppily, fast asleep. He was dangerously close to drooling. Clary wondered what had tired out this robot boy so much, surely she wasn't that heavy...

Alec was sitting next to Jace, awake but just barely. He kept glancing at Jace and then back to his fidgeting fingers.

Izzy sat in a chair that was pushed as close as possible to Clary's bed. She had also fallen asleep and leaned absentmindedly onto Clary's legs. Clary avoided eye-contact with Alec as she attempted to shift her body without waking Izzy.

She failed.

As soon as Clary moved, Izzy sat up straight and yelled, "...will deal with him!" Unbelievable. Izzy had fallen asleep mid-sentence. Clary quickly shushed Izzy, but the only thing she had managed to do was alert Alec and hurt her own head. Jace remained in a comfortable slumber.

"Clary," Izzy whispered. "I'm so glad you're awake. Listen-,"

"Yeah, yeah, tell me later," Clary snapped softly. "What in the name of the Angel is he doing here?"

Izzy sighed and her shoulders dropped. Alec watched curiously and intensely. "It's been two weeks," she explained.

"No, it hasn't," Clary protested. Then she went very silent and waited for Izzy to cave.

"You went missing before dinner after we went into the city. You disappeared for the whole night. For Shadowhunters, that officially means something's gone wrong," Izzy told her.

"Yes, it's that way for Mundanes, too. But I still don't understand why-,"

"Because you were missing and it was my fault and I didn't know how to handle it and I panicked. Okay? Jace is obviously better for the job because he found you in less than eight minutes."

Clary sighed. She was right. Extremely so. Clary looked away and bit her lip, considering.

"You owe him a chance to talk," Izzy continued.

"Fine," Clary immediately conceded. Izzy seemed clearly shocked, but it didn't take her long to stand, leave, and drag Alec along by the shirt collar with her. Clary heard a click then. Oh, just terrific. She was now locked in a room with Jace.

It took another two and half hours for Jace to finally wake up. He sat up rigidly, blinked the sleep from his eyes, and pushed a lazy hand through his unruly hair. And then he looked to her. Clary had absolutely no idea how to properly deal with this, so she simply stared back at him and hoped her gaze was enough communication for him. It was. Slowly, Jace picked himself up off the chair, lowered his head, and walked towards Clary.

She made a vow to herself. There would be no tears. There had been enough tears and Jace certainly didn't deserve any of her tears.

But when she saw his expression as he sat and turned to face her, Clary had to use all her willpower not to crumble.

"I'm sorry," Jace mumbled simply. "I'm sorry and I know I was wrong. But I only did that- I only hurt you so bad because I wasn't sure how to handle what I was feeling. I'm still not sure. But I knew that I wasn't in control and I'm not used to that feeling. But growing up the way I did- that wasn't- I wasn't-," Jace sighed and dropped his head into his hands. She had never seen him speechless. Jace made speeches. It was what he did. He gave her speech even while telling her how much he hated her. But now? Jace didn't even seem to be able to form a successful sentence.

"I did the only thing I know how to do in the only way I knew how to do it because I was happy. I hurt you because I was happy. And in my experience, happiness only leads to worse things. You know that. I was given a falcon that i learned to love and appreciate and as soon as that happened, it was taken away from me. And I-," he paused again. Closed his eyes, scrunched up his face, as if preparing for a blow. "I didn't want that to happen to you."

Silence ensued. "I don't understand," Clary finally admitted.

"I realized that you were making me happier than I'd ever been. And when things make me happy, they tend to get killed. And I simply didn't want you to die, Clary. And I agree that I handled it wrong, but my intentions were there...?" He trailed off and waited. Clary got the feeling he was waiting for her to respond, to forgive him. But he wasn't looking her in the eye.

"You could've just stopped. You could've said one thing and then just...stopped," Clary knew what she was referring to. She knew she was referring to his final comment, the worst. And he knew as well.

"Because I needed you to run. Far and fast. Because I needed you to believe that the things I was saying were true," Jace replied easily and calmly.

"Then why are you here now?" Clary demanded. "Why did you decided to just walk back in and pretend things were alright?"

"I know things aren't alright, my own behavior back home has told me that. The way I talk, look, behave, even hold myself has told me that! I came back because Izzy asked me to because you were in trouble," He snapped.

"The things you said to me make Casry seem as good as Raziel _himself_." Jace dropped his head, slowly nodding to acknowledge this truth. _I know._ "Just go," Clary continued. Jace obeyed, leaving her alone in the massive room. More alone than she'd ever felt before.

 **I am fully aware that these chapters have been short, but I'm nearing the end of this fic and I wanted this to be the only thing in this chapter. I'll have to work on lengthening in my next story... ;D**


	17. What's Done

Clary had missed something. Something big. It had been at least a day since Clary's wildly unpleasant discussion with Jace, and she had been let out of the infirmary. Her only injuries was a bruise on her stomach and cuts on her wrists. Now she was in her spot, packing completed to go back to New York, and she was just realizing what she had missed.

She sat back in her spot, the window seat in the library. She had already said her goodbyes to all the children of France and a few more significant adults, now all that was left was to leave. But! She had missed something _big._

And it had to be seen to.

Clary got up and walked forcefully from the library. She made her way to Izzy's room and pounded on the door. Unsurprisingly, Eryss opened the door, shirtless.

"Ahh," Clary shrieked and Eryss backed away sniggering. Izzy came to the door, thankfully, fully clothed. She shut Eryss in behind her. "Seriously?!" Clary demanded, and Izzy only smiled.

"Aww, have you forgotten my ways?" Izzy asked playfully.

Clary shook her head as if to clear it. "Anyway, where's Jace?" she asked.

Izzy straightened up instantly. "Why?"

"Just tell me!"

"Oh my gosh, you're going to forgive him! Because you love him! Oh, so cute!" Izzy squealed, giddy.

Clary rolled her eyes, "Isabelle Sophia Lightwood."

"Woah, middle name, this is serious. He's outside," Izzy finally conceded.

Of course, outside. Where it was freezing, pouring, and altogether _crappy._ Clary sighed and started walking toward the front of the Institute. She heard Izzy's door shut and continued giggling, but chose to ignore it to avoid a rather unpleasant mental picture. Clary through open the massive front doors, took a deep breath, and steeled her shoulders against the cold.

Clary was convinced that she wouldn't use her arms to shield herself from the cold, as she found it self-deprecating, but it was silly. She was just too dang cold. So Clary gave up on her intentions and wrapped her arms around her torso. She quickly found Jace standing and staring into the distance. Pathetic? Picturesque? Poetic? You choose. It was only when Clary got closer that she realized what he was looking at. Barely, just barely, the Eiffel Tower could be seen through the weather. Clary imagined Jace was also using a rune for better sight.

She approached him cautiously. Originally, she planned to just stalk up to him and take his arm and demand answers. But Clary now guessed it wasn't the best idea to sneak up on a depressed, slightly insane Shadowhunter like Jace. So instead, she walked in front of his line of vision.

It took Jace a moment to realize she was there. When he did, he looked mildly shocked. "What's wrong?" He asked. Clary couldn't help but stare at his eyes as they glistened with the water that fell off his soaking hair. He looked madly irresistible.

"You said something, the other day. I was too mad to realize it so I just skipped over it. But I need you to tell me something," Clary explained.

Jace moved to stand closer to her and the tips of Clary's limbs started to tingle. She was getting so furious with her irrational girly nonsenses that she nearly yelled at her own hormones. "What?" he asked softly.

"Was it true?"

"I'm sorry. Was what true?" He asked again.

"Yesterday, when I asked you why you didn't just stop, you said because you needed me to believe the things you said. Does that mean you weren't telling the truth?" It was a serious question. Most of her still expected Jace to snap, to find something else to hate her for. And then he would tell her she loved him and he didn't love her and Clary would run to, I don't know, maybe Japan this time and we would all get trapped in a deadly cycle.

And then he nodded.

"I'm sorry," Clary said so quietly shocked she wasn't sure he even heard her. "Could you just clarify, for me?"

"The things I said were not true. None of it," he confirmed.

"So that means, you don't think I'm scared? Or pathetic? Or weak, or without skill, or plain?" Then Clary stopped abruptly and her mouth hung open. She looked up at Jace. "That means-,"

"I love you. It means I love you and I know I ruined that and I can't ever even begin to apologize enough-," Clary cut Jace off by grabbing him by the lapels of his coat jacket. He silenced and their noses were centimeters apartment and he was staring at her like...like...

And then Jace was kissing her. His lips were wet on hers but despite the chill in the air, it was warm. _He_ was warm. Clary moved her arms so they hooked up around his neck and Jace twined his arms around her waist. Suddenly Clary was too short for this, so Jace lifted Clary and moved so she was sitting on the top of the bench. He deepened this kiss. Apologized without words. Spoke with no voice. Made up for all of it.

Clary was home.

 **THE END**


	18. Farewell Readers!

**Hey! I just wanted to thank you all for reading and sticking with me even when I wasn't writing! Thanks for all the compliments and helpful hints, they really made a difference. I can't wait to start writing my next one!**

 **\- MajorArcana2**

 **p.s. Sorry if the ending was kind of cheesy, I couldn't really think of anything that was better. :P**


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